I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
