I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
