Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
