oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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