Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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