I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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