She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
