I just saw a hot homeless man
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
