I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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