I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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