God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
