I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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