Jerry, you need to find god
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
