Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
