Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
