I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Randomize
