Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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