i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
