I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
