Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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