i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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