I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
