Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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