Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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