using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
