I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
