I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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