I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
