Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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