my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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