You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
