textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
