after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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