Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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