looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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