Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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