Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
