woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
