The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
