she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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