Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
