Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
