I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
