i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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