but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think my moral compass just broke
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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