Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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