Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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