she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
