paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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