every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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