I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
