Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
