Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
