So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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