Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
