Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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