some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
