Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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