just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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