I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
