U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
