pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
