so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
